Jennifer Aniston, who is looked upon as the perpetual old maid of Hollywood for some reason, was recently seen paddling surfboards around Hawaii. Which is, of course, totally indicative of her unfathomable misery. In all seriousness, the girl broke up with two guys in two years and is looked upon as the "Pariah of Love" by half the country. Meanwhile, I've been alone for years, and.... and.... *uncontrollable sobbing and self-flagulation ensues*
.....
Though I'm not as psychotic about Ms. Aniston as the Monk might be, I'm still a heterosexual (really?) man (really??) which leads me to believe its not too difficult for her to find a decent lay. I can think of literally two dozen people off the top of my head that are disease-free (-ish) who would chop off their left arm for a chance to even touch this girl with their right one. Oh, and lest we forget the fact that she's rich enough to do pretty much anything she likes. Like, say, clone a gold plated version of her ex-husband, so they can sit around the house and eat Chunky Monkey while going through old photo albums and cutting themselves.
...
The next Jennifer Aniston article you read might just have the headline: "Jennifer Aniston Dies Alone!". Not because she did. Just because U.S. Weekly wants her to.
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