In douche-bag related news, Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5, was quoted in a Russian publication saying that tennis star and much-hotter-than-Anna-Kournikova-Russianess, Maria Sharapova, is absolute shit in bed. Now I suppose I could try to be witty (and fail) about the reasons behind why Adam Levine would illicit a less-than-enthusiastic response from women in bed. However, why don't we skip the speculation this time, and just stick with the facts. The fact, in this particular case, of course being that Maroon 5 sucks. As in, really sucks. Like crazy pseudo-boy band sucks. Basically, what I'm saying is this: Adam Levine should never write a single note of music ever again. And then girls might actually orgasm when sleeping with him. Still probably not, though. ....
And Maria Sharapova? I'm sorry about all this, sweetheart. If you want, you can come over my apartment tonight, and we can drink some tea and talk about it. AND, if you feel up to it, we can have sex afterward. Not because I can make you climax this time, but because I don't really care if you just lay there. I'll be done in a second anyway. Wait. Wait. Wait. Oh God. There it is. Alright.... who are you again?
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