Reese Witherspoon's public appeal, fueled by slowball relationship-based comedy and the notorious "scrunchy, yet 'adorable' facial expression", has managed to net herself the largest salary ever paid to an actress. Her upcoming horror film, Our Family Trouble, will earn her a reported $29 million, bypassing Julia Roberts as the world's highest paid actress.
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Alright. I know this is a big deal because of the gap between the sexes when it comes to the paychecks they recieve for essentially playing an elaborate and well-funded game of pretend for a few months. But $29 million?! Seriously?! No one should be paid that amount of money.... for ANYTHING*. For that amount, she better sleep with every member of the crew at least once. Or better yet, just sit outside a theater and offer handjobs to the first 1,000 ticket holders. Women or Men. And if they refuse, tie 'em down and do it anyways. In the lobby of the theater. Just infront of the Concession Stand. What?! You tell me how awesome it would be to walk into your local theater and see Reese Witherspoon finger-blasting a 40-year old soccer mom while she verbally protests emphatically. Oh, her words say "no", but her now-popcorn-kernel-encrusted nether parts say "yes". The only way that gets sexier is if that "40-year old soccer mom" was YOUR "40-year old soccer mom".
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* - But I will accept this fee, regardless, in recognition of my valiant efforts to provide irrigation to Western Europe by comissioning various militaries to construct ditches throughout the countryside. This charity organization was more commonly known as "World War I".
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