ALMOST a What Happened?! (Mandy Moore)

Good Gravy Freight Train, that girl is hot..... wait...huh? NO! GOD NO!..... .... oh, *sigh*, Thank God.

Mandy Moore, the perpetual silver medal to Natalie Portman's gold, scared horny young men all over the internet this week when she suddenly showed up to a red carpet event looking like Elvira's younger, still kinda hot but greatly diminished sister. I thought about putting up a "What Happened?!" post on her a few days back, but was compelled, as if by some supernatural force*, to hold off. And today, comes the exposition, as Ms. Moore showed up at another event yesterday looking more true to form. Whew. That was a close one. I can't be allowing my maturbatory objects to let themselve go. I think this time of trial has taught our nation a lesson. From now on, the hotness of our most prized celebrities must be our highest priority. Thus, the next time Keira Knightley** or someone like her puts on too many pounds, a highly-trained hit squad consisting personal trainers and S.A.S. hairstylists can be dispatched to any corner of the world in under 90 minutes. A flashbang, two quick taps with tranq darts, and a three-day semi-coma later... your back to being a Class-A piece of internationally recognized ass. And the fact that you awaken in an abandoned mental hospital, feeling sore and find a television still turned on in the room, displaying a marathon of "Ninja Warrior", amongst empty bag after empty bag of crunchy Cheetos, condom wrappers***, and many, many, many empty syringes... well, thats just part of the "beautification" process, baby. You can't sacrifice enough for style.

....

* - Supernatural Force = You guessed it, my pubes are actually a hair transplant from Nostradamus' corpse.

** - She may be British, but in the end, it is our national responsibility to protect the hotness of the world. America. Fuck Yeah.

*** - Ha. Condoms. What nerd has ever used those?